Father what should I be as I grow up??

I’ve asked this question more than once, but one day as I was walking and praying with a friend at Capernwray He answered!
And not in a way that I expected at all…
Today He is still answering. The answer is the same, only more and more it’s reaffirmed through verses and books and study and prayer.

So it all started Feb 7th 2005 (two days before my very good friend Faye passed away)– I was invited to stay longer at Capernwray needed to give an answer and I was really praying to know God’s will and what he wanted. I know, I know – it drives some people crazy to hear that you are searching for God’s will, when really His ultimate will is laid out for us clearly in the bible… But ANYWAY….here is a little from my journal around that time.
March 1st…
God’s timing is so impeccable. I can’t even begin to fathom the perfection of it. It has been such a hard few weeks, but so many amazing lessons to be learned through it all. There has been so much pain, but somehow a richness and beauty that has come through it.
I know already that my words will be inadequate to explain all that has happened and all that I have been learning, but I will attempt to start close to the beginning of the latest journey.
About 4 (?) weeks ago I was talking with Lisa in the office. She had been dissatisfied with where she was at spiritually, in life, etc. And I just felt as we talked that we really just needed to pray together once a week, specifically about what God wanted us to do, and how He wants us to live, and where He wants us to be. So, timidly on the inside, confidently on the outside I said, “…what we need to do now Lisa, is take time, once a week, to pray together about these things.” Little did I realize that, that was actually an answer to her prayers, and me saying that was an act of obedience!!

I also had been starting to feel like I was drifting a bit. Not drawing as near as I could or should be. One night I felt so strongly I had to “get out” be outside where I find it easiest to hear God’s voice. Walking around the grounds and countries roads at night was not something was in a habit of – we were told often it just wasn’t safe… but everyone I knew would have walked with me was watching a movie… “getting away from the group” is an uncommon feeling for me, and I stubbornly sat there with them , waiting for the movie to finish and hoping that someone would get bored and suggest a walk – nope the movie finished and they decided to watch the special features… I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to go out, I had to go pray… And so I did, and it turned into such a good time, beautiful and fulfilling… AND it gave me an answer for the immediate future. I would finish in the office at the beginning of September.

That Sunday Lisa and I went for our first prayer walk. We started out rather awkwardly I must admit, it's hard to start being vulnerable with someone, but it turned into something rather beautiful actually. Such a good time of prayer as we walked the loop (grounds) a few times.
I got another answer then… about what I should be as I grow up. As we were praying I felt like God was telling me very clearly He wanted me to be an Ark of the Covenant.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??!! I mean, really, that’s a bit obtuse isn’t it? But I actually started to think about it and realized it was quite lovely. I thought of all the stories of the journey the ark took before it got to it’s resting place. BUT! Because of it’s presence there in those places people where blessed, whole towns were blessed, even nations!! Not because the ark in an of itself was so impressive, but because of God’s presence over it… because God himself “sat on it”… the top of the ark being called the mercy seat… (Just this year when I was thinking about it again I was shown a verse in Acts 2 where it says that the Holy Spirit “sat” on those present at Pentecost)
Because of God’s presence on it, it was a blessing to those in it’s vicinity. I started to think how amazing it would be if God blessed the people that I was around… just because I was around… letting Him be a real presence in my life.
Not blessing, because I’m “using my gifts” or “speaking into their lives” “offering all sorts of wisdom”. Not because of what I do or who I am, but just because God’s Holy Spirit in my life has the ability to bless all around me. His abilities not mine.
Kind of like how the disciples were so overflowing with the Spirit, that even their shadows falling on someone as they passed by caused that person to be healed!! Can you imagine??!! (this of course also freaked me out a little – God is that what you want from me??!! Really!!??)
Ahhhh… but it goes deeper. Then I started to think about what the Ark contained (I was reading through Hebrews last night and again was reminded of this actually – Here’s what Hebrews says.. “Inside the Ark were a gold jar containing manna, Aarons staff that had sprouted leaves, and the stone tablets of the covenant. Above the Ark were the cherubim of divine glory, whose wings stretched out over the Ark’s cover, the place of atonement. But we cannot explain these things in detail now.” - P.S. Last night at sunset began Yom Kippur, the day of covering, a.k.a. the Day of Atonement. – which I found interesting also, because not by my design, I figured I need to pray and fast and read the bible– which is exactly what most Hebrew believers do for Yom Kippur, I only realized that it was Yom Kippur this morning – I really think it was God’s design - I can't explain it, but I do)
[back to the journal]
For example the stone tablets with the 10 Commandments… the covenant (promise) contained the commands! As we know God has now written these commands on our hearts! … How wonderful it would be to get to the point that with every heart beat we were living and walking in obedience. Then there was of course the jar of manna that didn’t decay, it remained fresh! How great is it, to not only receive daily bread, but that it wouldn’t be lost, forgotten, or worn out, but rather be built upon. A constant drawing nearer… And then Aaron’s staff that had budded. That one I believe will take more thought, but on first glance it made me think about the things in my life that are still dead, areas, maybe even crutches, I have relied upon, that have no life of their own… but that need God to breathe life into them. (Since this journal entry I’ve studied a bit more on it, and part of the story has to do with the healing of the nation – interesting connection)

… okay this is where I leave my journal entry and confess… I knew I had to pray for this and rebelled. I didn’t want to. I was so scared of how this would separate me from others, including some Christian friends. To allow God complete abandon in your life, leaves you open to rebuke from all sorts – sharing in the cross that Christ himself carried. There were also the thoughts like… “who am I to expect God to do something "larger than this life" in and through me…) It has been a battle in me all year. Wanting to, and not wanting to, pray for these things all year. The summer was particularly bad… I had SO much time… laid up in bed, to wrestle with God about this… Well, of course He won… I have started to pray that I will at least desire to completely abandon myself to Him. And more and more the desire is growing…
That is still where I am at – whenever I ask God – what should I do… the reply is be and Ark of my covenant – a bearer of His promises.
Today I was reading “Captivating” by John and Stasi Eldredge… and I was again convicted of my need to say Yes to God, to be obedient and willing… this is what God had to say to me through this book…

“ ‘Mary responded. “I am the Lord’s servant, and I am willing to accept
whatever he wants. May everything you have said come true.” ’
-Luke 1:38 NLT
…….. the same holds through for Mary, the mother of Jesus – only it’s far more weighty. Her life also turned upon an invitation. The angel came as the courier of the King. But still she needed to say yes. He would not force the whole thing upon her. Her heart needed to be willing. She would need her heart through all that followed. Accepting God’s invitation required remarkable courage, and once again all hell broke loose. Her enemy raged. She nearly lost her marriage. She and Joseph certainly lost their standing in the synagogue. Her life became an incredible story. Mary needed a steadfastness of heart to keep saying “Yes” to God. But she became the woman she was born to be, and the Kingdom was never the same. It all started with an invitation.

The invitations of our Prince (Christ our bridegroom) come to us in all sorts of ways. Your heart itself, as a woman, is an invitation. An invitation delivered in the most intimate and personal way. Your Lover has written something on your heart. It is a call to find a life of Romance and to protect the love affair as your most precious treasure. A call to cultivate the beauty you hold inside, and to unveil your beauty on behalf of others. And it is a call to adventure, to become the ezer (help) the world desperately needs you to be. “


I know I have been given an invitation by God… to draw nearer still... To abandon myself to Him, the Lover of my soul.
That my dear friends I what I know at the moment. I have also just written to the church in Edmonton and withdrawn my application with them. I believe that it isn’t actually the right place, or time, or position… BUT I know, that going this far in the application process was also a necessary step of obedience.
So… if you lasted through this entire blog I applaud you. It is an uncommon feat I am sure. Thanks so much for your prayers and encouragement.
Love, Grace