what lay beneath

I haven't written anything too personal for a while. Not because there's nothing to tell, but because anything I had to say smacked of self pity, and who in their right mind would want to be percieved as self pitying (even if they are ;D)
However, although it still feels a little too close to home, I want to write a little something about last Sunday. I don't know if it has just been because I've been a Christian for a LONG while, or maybe God was just giving me some time in the desert... but it's been ages since I listened to a sermon and took it personally.
I've learned from many of them perhaps, but not in the way that grabs hold of your heart and mind and makes you drink in every word.

The subject was Fear... and I thought, "perfect! I hope *so-and-so* is paying attention"... you may laugh, but really I did.
But the sermon wasn't just on fear, it was about fearing God. Fearing the cost of following God keeps us from acting and living a life that we are designed for. It keeps us on a short leash and fools us into thinking we are safe.... safety is a rather nice feeling. But "freedom isn't doing anything you 'feel' like. Freedom comes from fulfilling what you were created to be." I usually feel like doing what's safe, following the well trodden path... but by doing this I am not fearing God. I am not trusting that God, who is Love, will care for me. I am not believing that God, who consistently has shown mercy and grace, will do what is best for me.

So the question was asked of us. "Do you fear God more than your fear the results of walking with Him?"
Do I?
Do I act in truth?
Do I make choices that I trust will bring blessing or do I make choices based on the short return?

You know...I really don't know anymore. If you've been reading this blog even semi-regualrly, then I am sure you know I've been floundering the last year and a half or so. Although my faith in God himself and my belief in Him is secure, my trust has been very shallow... in fact, it's been a massive struggle... My lack of trust often determined by whether I feel God is helping me achieve my ambitions, plans, dreams, etc...

Here's the thing, I think I've mentioned it before, but while I was in England a couple years ago, I went through this week a few months after Faye died, where it seemed like God was asking me to hand over certain dreams. Every day something different - with no promise from Him that they would be replaced, but more a question... isn't He enough? Can I replace my dreams with the reality of who He is in my life? Sounds nice and spiritual right? But each day it was like grieving the loss of a close friend, something I was keenly familiar with at the time. By the end of the week I felt such a release, and not even a week later a new dream was handed to me, that brought me home to Canada.

However, several months later, it seemed God wanted that one as well, with more sadness and more grieving on my part I handed it over. A few days later it seemed like God handed me another dream, another goal...For two years I have been playing catch and release with dreams, seemingly from God, laid before me... Me putting effort and love into seeing them come to fruition, only to have the dream, at the time snatched away, at the last moment. Still - do I trust Him? Do I trust that HE will take care of me all the days of my life? Do I give Him my hand and walk with Him in and out of these dreams, no matter how much it hurts to loose them?

At the end of the service Tom (who is now our worship Arts Pastor- for which we are truly grateful) led, in his rich baritone... "Jesus, all for Jesus. All I am and have, and ever hope to be... All of my ambitions hopes and plans, I surrender these into Your hands."
I wanted to cry... once again there they were, all my ambitions, hopes and plans, lined up like ducks in a row and I knew I was saying goodbye.

To be honest, I don't always mean what I sing in church, but just then I did. Wanting not to cry and embarrass those around me, I attempted a smile instead, and when my voice started to crack, I sang all the louder - I didn't care, I wasn't singing for those in ear shot anyway, today it was my prayer.
Jesus, all for Jesus... All I am and have and ever hope to be, all of my ambitions hopes and plans, I surrender these into Your hands, for it's only in Your will that I am free...Jesus...all for Jesus, all I am and have, and ever hope to be.