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A few devotional thoughts from a student of Jesus.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

"I love the delicate shadow of she.. wanting me to be" - conspiracy theory


This is definitely how I feel right now...
But I long to be swimming hard in some blue ocean, maybe racing alongside some giant squid.
Please note: That is definitely an analogy, I am a little bit afraid of fish, and or live ocean creatures of any sort. Dead, they aren't so bad, in fact many of them are delicious... but alive, they are unpredictable at best.

Anyway... I was just chatting with a dear friend about this feeling of being in limbo. Floating... waiting... but for what?
We just finished watching a documentary called "My Date With Drew". And I realized, that is a guy who went out and tried to accomplish something that to his mind was HUGE. The key to his success was his friends. They were in it with him 100%.
I try and accomplish big things, sure - but usually on my own... until God steps in and says "uh uh uh, not without Me, remember?" Then He takes over and whatever endeavor it was, either becomes way more successful or bombs totally, so that I know it had been all on my own effort. But the best and biggest achievements of my life have been those born out of a community. Involving God, and my family - both the christian family and the relative kind :)
Still I try and go it alone. I think because the fear of failing seems easier to take if no one knows you tried, and therefore by default, they don't realize you've failed! ...So I struggle through on my own, or wait for God to hand me things wrapped in a bow and placed on a silver platter. Weak -I KNOW!! So this is my attempt at reaching out I guess.
Here is a little known fact about me. Often the things that matter very much to me, and are weighing heavy on my heart I talk about in a rather nonchalant tone, even joke about. I say I care in a voice that implies I don't. Fear of appearing weak I guess. I don't tell you this so that you pity me, or pull some Barbra Walters, try and make her cry gig... I just want to be honest. Things I seem to have altogether and am strong in, are probably weighing me down the most. The things I rant about and talk strongly about are probably really of lesser importance. I may care about them, but they aren't so close to my heart that I try and hide the hurt or the frustration attached to them. I know I'm not the only one like this - because the friend I mentioned chatting to earlier (in a VERY nonchalant manner) used the same tricks to avoid hurt. To avoid exposure. To what? ...uhhh... questions, comments, awkward silences. Whatever you dream can occur when you share your heart of hearts with someone.

Phew! I'm glad that's out there with everyone looking at it! Here's my heart friends, acquaintances, strangers that happen by...
to quote Natasha Bedingfield -"I bruise easily, so be careful when you talk to me" ...once again, joke - sorry. But it shows I mean it, you know?
okay ...uh...bye. ( man that was awkward, nuts still typing, must sto

7 comments:

Des said...

I understand exactly where you are coming from. I am a lot the same, I keep all my anxiety inside. It was for me a defense mechanism growing up. The more emotion I showed, the more my Mom would yell and scream at me, so I soon learned to suck it up, and not let it show. I have become the master of disguise. Learning that you are who you are, and if you show that you really care about someone, that is NOT wrong. And if a little emotion slips out in the process, that's not wrong either.

dags said...

Ah, Grace. Our hearts seem to be in the same place right now...probably often are! My difficulty it trying to figure out who is "safe" to share myself with. I recently thought I found someone who was safe, but it turned out that they weren't. BIG mistake. So is anyone safe? I often have to put on a facade at church because I don't want 300+ people knowing my business. So that conflicts me even more. I know I have to rely on God in this area but it is much easier said than done. Thanks for taking a risk and writing this.Love ya!

shinbone #4 said...

I know! I don't think even with this revelation I will deal with things differently, but maybe those "close" to me will know to read me differently. Although I suspect they already do. Do you dags? hahaha....
thanks for stopping by Des, nice to meet you :) Is that even your real name O, Master of Disguise? No matter... any friend of "dags" is no enemy of mine... :)

Des said...

Ya, it's a shorter version of my real name, I'm not like Dags, with a long explanation to my blog name!!

Janice said...

oh grace!! i miss you. i feel a wee bit sad right now because i kind of think i never really got to know you at school because i was so superficial, etc. but whatever. we're here now. anyways. also...i'm also afraid of fish!! yes!!!

shinbone #4 said...

Janice, I am so glad you're here now! And I'm glad I'm not alone in the fish phobia thing... how are you with birds??
Janice, what's your blogsite? Can I link you? It will be easier to visit that way :)

sharon said...

I think that makes perfect sense Grace..... Eek - it feels like a lot of the people I know are in this stage of life... it feels very awkward. I hope I can see you at some pint this summer. That would be a joyous occasion!