"and we´re living life with people who see a different side of you, and that other side is dying to get out." - a quote from a California girl now living in Iceland.
I remember this type of culture shock, it can make you so lonely. I've experienced it in every place I've lived, including Canada... The feeling that you can never really be known anymore, because these people are are still too foreign to you and your way of life. It's easier if there is someone with you from your family or close friends, but when it's just you, you feel like you will never be really known again. It's hard to live a life alone. I thought that if your realtionship with God was on track in fact better than on track - I thought if you loved God you shouldn't feel like this, but no matter what your brain tells you, your heart can't always think that way.
There was this time in Israel I got so incredible lonely I thought I couldn't take it. (Maybe I already told you the story?) I wanted so much just to run back to Canada.... Even though I loved the work and the people, and I loved God so much... but I just couldn't stand the aloneness. I prayed often that God would heal my hurting heart, and I heard all sorts of beautiful verses, that should be encouraging - but I felt almost inconsolable. I needed a miracle. I needed a tangible person, someone you can see and touch and joke with. Oh how I missed joking around with people that spoke english as their first language.
One day when I was particularly down, I went for a walk so I could really pray (I concentrate better when I am outside and walking). I hadn't gotten very far, when the verse "Fear not for I have redeemed you I have called you by name, you are mine" came to mind. It had just been Shabbat, and in our congregation the pastor always quoted it during communion. I loved it. God calls to us by name... it's not just "calling all men unto Him". He called me. I thought about it, but I told God that today it wasn't enough. I needed a tangible Him.
Then this crazy thought came to mind.
Maybe... maybe God would let me call Him by name... I remembered a verse that says He gives us new names. So I asked God if I could have a new name for him. Not Elohim or Jehovah or Jesus - these names although belonging to God and therefore good- still seemed to be God in heaven, God in the Roman era, God that is somehow intangible.
So as I walked down Ha Gafen street I asked for a new name for Him, and believe it or not the name Avner immediately came to mind. I asked Him, "Abner? Really?" But the name came so quickly into my mind after I had prayed, and seemed so far from a name I would have chosen for God myself, that it seemed it must be Him.
Abner, huh??
Abner, Avner (Same name, different accent) - for me conjured up images of some hillbilly in worn overalls sitting on a porch with a toothpick in his mouth wittling some unidentifiable object.
It made me laugh so hard. That God, Lord over the entire universe... King and creator, would let me call Him Avner. It made me feel loved, it made me feel known. He knew what I needed was a bit of a laugh. He knew what I needed was our own private joke.
I was just learning Hebrew at the time, and knew that Av meant Father so the name made some sort of sense. Later (when I was living in England actually) I finally looked up the meaning. It made me love Him even more.
Avner = Father of Light.
"Nerah" a derivitive of Ner - means visible or seen.
My heavenly Father making himself visible to me, and shining light into a place that was dark for me.
Beautiful huh?
No I don't really call God "Avner", although I did for a day or two then. It was enough that He gave me that name and showed me how personally He loves me, knows me, calls Me by my name.
It wasn't the last time either. God has consistently been light in my life when all around me seemed black. He consistantly gives me reason to laugh. He has these little times of joking and teasing (yes teasing) that make me love Him so much more and pushes away the loneliness.
God loves you, you are known by Him, and He can be the Father of Light a visible and tangible Father in the dark places, the sad places, the lonlely places of your life.
9 comments:
Thanks Grace you gave me encouragement seeing that i will be dealing with the same things in less than a year.
thanks for sharing that grace :) love you
When I saw the title of your blog, the first thing I thought about was that living in a place that's not home would be earth and our home was really heaven. So in a way we all are in the same boat (maybe not always so lonely), but we're not home yet. (I hope that made sense because it didn't when I re-read it, but I'm too tired to figure out why!)
It makes perfect sense - and probably where my thoughts were while I wrote, "cause that's the subject of the last chapter I've been working on :D
Good call my dear.
Encouraging and not at all outragious. I've had moments like that with God (though not specifically associated with a name) and He does let you feel like you have a secret with Him, because you are so special and important to Him, that He wanted YOU to know it. People spend much time being lonely when God is right there all the time. Why do we do that?!
My special moments with God (when I'm lonely, sad, etc.) usually entail me feeling like God is giving me a hug because that's usually what I feel like I need at the time. It's amazing how cherished God can make you feel!
You have no idea how encouraging that was. Thanks Grace!
awww Danny, I'm so glad... How are you doing?? Recovering alright? You've had such a rough go of it. I pray you're well inside and out very shortly.
aw Grace. I couldn't have read this blog at a better time (See blog for more details :)!!) I've been dealing with a lot of homesickness lately. WHich is strange, because I'm only here for another 2 1/2 months, and this is really the first time I've felt like this. I'm checking out I think. There are days that I feel so alone and all I can hear is God's voice practially yelling "BUT I AM HERE" and all I can do is pray that He helps me to accept the 'now'.
All I want is Tim Hortons. :)
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